So many families these days are blended with Step Siblings, Step Mothers, Step Fathers, and Step Grandparents compiling a big mixing bowl of new family members. Not only are families blended with new brothers and sisters but also mixed with new cultures. Our family comprises it all.
My parents divorced I believe almost 10 years ago now, crazy how time just pushes along and years have went by. They are both re-married now and with their new marriages came new Step Parents and five new Step Siblings. I can honestly say I get along well with all of of my Step Siblings and love each of their uniqueness and new personalities they bring. I've had some highs and lows with my Step Parents and at the end of the day I check myself and remind myself that these are the people my parents chose out of love and just as any relationship there will be arguments and disagreements and most importantly am I judging them more harshly because they aren't my biological parents? Am I treating them with love?
I was one of those who thought my parents would never divorce so when it happened it was like pigs flying to me. Parents divorce doesn't only impact the parents but the children as well know matter what age they might be. I was in my late twenties when my parents divorced and couldn't image their home breaking apart and at the time couldn't imagine them moving on to other people, it didn't even cross my mind.
What I've learned from my parents divorce along with many other friends and families members divorces is that if it ever happens to me, which I hope it doesn't that I will have to accept that my once partner will be in a new relationship with new children. I will have to accept that another women may nurture my children as if they are her own and they will develop relationships with a new family. Your children will always view you as their Mother or fFather because the love of a biological mother or father can't be replaced.
With divorce or dissolve in a relationship you can either hate the person you're Ex Wife/Ex Husband/Ex Boyfriend/Ex Girlfriend is with or you can accept them. Talking down about the new spouse of an ex lover to your children doesn't help, nor does talking down about your ex to your children know matter what the age. It only makes you come across as jealous and unable to adapt. Allowing your children to decide about the people in their lives should be completely left up to them and most importantly for you, now it's time to move forward with your happiness. You can either continue to reflect on what could've been, how things were, how you were treated, what could've been done differently, how your ex treats their new partner differently then how they treated you, not wanting your children to develop new relationships with families, but where will this get you? Your children know matter what shouldn't have to hear these things. If you're saying these things, STOP! Keep your negativity to yourself. Instead you can focus your energy on being the best person you can be and being happy while moving forward.
If you're now with someone you don't see a future in, change it! Don't hold on for comfort, run and change it fast because years will go on and you will continue to feel uncomfortableness. Be an example of what a happy person is, be an example of positive change, be an example of moving forward, be an example of not speaking negatively about others, be an example of only being in a relationship if it's complete love and acceptance, be an example!
I remember years ago being in a relationship in which my partner had a child and the child's mother would send me nasty/rude texts and call me saying such negative things about me and my partner. I could've lowered myself to her level but instead I chose to not let her negatively impact the way in which I treat her child, I never spoke negatively about her, and when I saw her I acknowledged her presence saying hi with a smile on my face everytime. Don't let another person rob you of your happiness. To be honest they're not the ones robbing you, you're robbing yourself. You have a choice to choose happiness or bitter resentment and anger. Happiness is always a better choice.
Please refrain from telling your children know matter what the age they are choosing another Mother and Father over you. Don't guilt trip them. Instead take a step back and re-analyze yourself while asking self, am I being love? Could there be something I could be doing differently in a positive way. Don't put expectations on your children, if they don't come around enough you can let them know you love spending time with them and bring up happy memories. Refrain from putting it on them because you may just be doing something that's pushing them away. You can ask if you are, but don't place the blame all on them. If you ask, accept their response without being defensive and perhaps you can then ask how the relationship can move forward in a loving positive way. It's hard for people to accept answers they don't want to hear, swallow your pride and focus on the love.
If you want a child/friend/partner to spend more time with you then start initiating. Perhaps they need time to realize again that you are a safe place, so call them and have brief conversations keeping it all positive and one day these conversations will get longer and longer with face to face contact next. People like to talk to people who speak happiness and positivity. Don't speak negatively about anyone in your conversation know matter how you may feel about another, if you can't refrain from speaking negatively about them then don't bring them up. If the other person brings them up you can say things like, "I wish them happiness," "I hope all is well with them," or simply change the subject. It's that simple. But don't intentionally bring your negativity into the conversation. When you find yourself thinking, I wish this person would call me or come over, call them and have light convo. Call them and set up a date to get together. If they break the date they may just need more time. It's not up to you to decide if it's been to long, simply just keep reaching out in a loving way. Be love.
Yesterday I spent such a good day with my Mother, Father, Stepmother, Mother-in-law, and Love of my life. We went to our Baby Boys 3D/4D ultrasound and we were all together. Everyone got along and there was no negativity, it was such a memorable experience. It was nice to see that my Mother and Father could be in the same room together and smile and be happy. I hope you are able to provide that type of experience for your children as well.
BE LOVE, BE HAPPY.
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